Friday, June 11, 2010

Splice Is Not Sci-Fi/Horror Genius... It Isn't Even Scary.

I wrote this in response to my friend The Silver Screener's Splice Review:

I hated it too. So many reviews beforehand said this was good smart horror/sci-fi... that it broke the regular boundaries that hold other films in mediocrity. Perhaps, the later is true... but they didn't break any positive boundaries. They somehow managed to break all of the boundaries that keep mediocre movies from being completely awful. This movie sucks worse than the Jacket... and it leaves me scratching my head. Why did anybody think it would be a good idea to subject others to this piece of garbage? What asshole said, oh I've got just the perfect idea. It's an idea that countless others have thrown away because they didn't think it was good... but I know better? For he surely was misinformed about the meaning of the word good. I hate you, Splice. I wish you'd go back to the hell filled with awful ideas that you came from.
I'd like to take a moment now and remember some great Sci-Fi and Horror films more deserving of your attention:
Metropolis (Enhanced) 1927
Metropolis (1927) - Great Classic Sci-Fi
The Day the Earth Stood Still (Special Edition) [Blu-ray]
The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) - Perfect Classic Sci-Fi
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956) - Awesome Sci-Fi Horror
The Haunting
The Haunting (1963) - Genuinely Creepy Classic Horror
2001: A Space Odyssey [Blu-ray]
2001:a space odyssey (1968) - Sci-Fi, a rebirth
Planet of the Apes [Blu-ray]
Planet Of The Apes (1968) - Ape-shit Awesome Sci-Fi
A Clockwork Orange [Blu-ray]
A Clockwork Orange (1971) - Super Creepy Sci-Fi
The Wicker Man
The Wicker Man (1973) - Incredibly Odd-but-effecting Horror
The Man Who Fell To Earth - Criterion Collection [Blu-ray]
The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976) - Sci-Fi with a Pop
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (30th Anniversary Ultimate Edition) [Blu-ray]
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - Wondrous Sci-Fi
Halloween [Blu-ray]
Halloween (1978) - Fun Horror
The Shining [Blu-ray]
The Shining (1980) - The Great Horror Classic
Blade Runner (Five-Disc Complete Collector's Edition) [Blu-ray]
Blade Runner (1982) - Gorgeous Sci-Fi
The Thing [Blu-ray]
The Thing (1982) - Perfect, Award Worthy Sci-FI Horror
Star Wars Trilogy
Star Wars Original Trilogy (1983) - You Know You Love It Sci-Fi
A Nightmare on Elm Street [Blu-ray]
A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) - How Much Fun Can a Horror Film Be??
Brazil - The Criterion Collection - (Single Disc Editon)
Brazil (1985) - Weiiiird Sci-Fi
Robocop [Blu-ray]
RoboCop (1987) - Perfect Sci-Fi
12 Monkeys [Blu-ray]
12 Monkeys (1995) - Intensely Emotional Sci-Fi
Gattaca [Blu-ray]
GATTACA (1997) - Perfect Sci-Fi... Perfect!
Children of Men [Blu-ray]
Children Of Men (2006) - Intense and Wondrous Sci-Fi
Sunshine [Blu-ray]
Sunshine (2007) - Awesome Sci-Fi
Let the Right One In [Blu-ray]
Let The Right One In (2008) - Horror in Love
Moon [Blu-ray]
Moon (2009) - Perfect Effecting Sci-Fi

All of the above mentioned flicks deserve to be viewed over and over again. So DON'T go out to the theater to see Splice... stay in and rent one of these! They are lightyears beyond anything Splice could ever ever hope to be.

If you think I've been too blunt on Splice, I invite you to tell me what was actually good about the flick in the comments section. I'd like to understand how this movie even got made.


  1. The music was good, actually. Otherwise, shit shit shit shit shit. I want to murder Splice in the face so hard.

  2. Agreed, but we see that even though music can sometimes make a lesser movie feel great... it can't always save a burning pile of shit.