Friday, August 8, 2014

Just Don't Go See Ninja Turtles...

If you really wanna watch a Ninja Turtles movie so bad, go home and rewatch the one from 1990. I promise you'll have a better time.
No seriously, I just watched the new Jonathan Liebesman helmed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I remember when I first found out this guy was gonna be directing... and I couldn't place the name... so I went on IMDB and looked through his resume... and wanted to belch. Wrath of the Titans? Battle Los Angeles?? Darkness Falls??? And this guy gets to make a Ninja Turtles movie? I can't believe he still gets to make movies at all. But what confuses me more is, the studio didn't think this franchise worthy of a quality director. I bet if you asked around Hollywood, you'd find a glut of legitimately good directors who would be happy to take on the property. But they go and get this guy.
So what's actually wrong with the movie? Simply put, it's a formulaic shell for any random action film that doesn't want to actually take the time to have a plot... finger paint Turtles delicately onto that shell just because... and you've got a movie... sort of. Really, it comes down to this: the studio. producers, writers, and filmmaker don't get it. They don't understand the property and seem to care even less about getting it right for the fans. I could force a very few positive comments in here or there about how they managed to make Donatello important again... but really all of the characters were pretty awful caricatures of themselves. None worse than Splinter who didn't even remotely resemble the rat we've come to know and love for so many years.
It just eats at me to see properties like this get so completely mishandled just because they are "known properties" with existing audiences. The fact that this movie is going to make any money back at all, despite a critical consensus just proves how hungry audiences are to see movies like this done right. They show up in droves because when that one good one comes along it feels worth it. But studios should be taking their time and making sure they have the right team on hand. Seriously, they'd make even more money if the movies were good. It's a simple formula for success. I know it isn't easy to make a good movie... but come on, you could at least give the movie a fighting chance by hiring talented people. There's just no excuse for this level of laziness.
Yeah, I'm ranting. But this movie just outright sucks. There's literally not a moment that I was interested in the "story"... not a moment that I wasn't just plain bored out of my mind. Please, if you've got any rational sense or self control at all, don't give these people your time and money. They don't deserve it. I promise you they don't.

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