Pretty Sure I Was Just Raped By The Counselor

When I walked in to see The Counselor, I knew what all the reviews were saying. I thought I was prepared... that maybe there was something they were all missing. I thought, "There's too much talent involved for this to be a bad movie."

I know now I was just being naive. And in my naiveté I was about to subject myself to possibly the worst film I have ever seen.

However, this comes with an asterisk. Truly, The Counselor couldn't possibly be the worst movie ever made. There are far shittier ultra-low budget, never released shit-fests out there... Monos, The Hands of Fate comes to mind. But movies like that never stood a chance. The Counselor had... well... practically everything going for it:

Ridley Scott was directing. And he is a good director. No use knocking him over a few duds like Robin Hood.

The film sported an all star cast most producers would be drooling over. Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, and...

Ahhhh!!

Cameron Diaz?

That was the first sign the dream was crumbling. Then...

Weird how they both have that same eerie smile...

Cormac McCarthy, for the first time, was writing the screenplay. Okay? That could be interesting. Perhaps he'd be able to translate the nuances of his characters, his story... perhaps he would be the best option to show us what his world would be like in film.

Nope. No dice. Sorry to disappoint you.

For all of the positives this film seemed to be sporting, at the end of the day none of those great actors could outperform this god awful script. Sure a few of them really tried. They practically succeeded. But then Cameron Diaz would come on screen and everyone, for some reason, just let her take over. I have to say, Cameron Diaz should never have been allowed to play this part. Now in her defense, I don't think anyone could have actually made it work, but I tend to doubt literally any other actor would have played it quite as poorly as she did.

Spoilers if you care... but do you really? This is a warning, so you probably want to read this.
Once Cameron Diaz takes over the movie... well more at the very end at which point it already had become hers... she begins to monologue. And her ability to do this is so incredibly lacking I immediately burst out in laughter. I'm talking one of the worst sequences I have ever seen put to film. I'm talking the end of all that is good and pure and meaningful in this world bad. This is the last scene before the credits.
End Spoilers.

I hate this movie. I love Michael Fassbender, but somehow as the title character Cormac McCarthy managed to write a script that gave him nothing, I mean NOTHING, to do.

Not only did The Counselor tease me with a potential starring role for one of my all time favorite actors (Fassbender),

it then sucker punched me and left me instead with a starring role for one of my all time least favorite actresses (Diaz).

And I used the term "Actress" because I honestly don't believe she deserves the moniker "Actor".

Thanks for ruining my night Cormac McCarthy. I won't soon forget this.