Beware Of Tusk

Tusk was... excuse me while I clear my throat... a massive train wreck.

Kevin Smith was trying to do something, but he couldn't help himself. It feels like he couldn't figure out what to do with the 'A' storyline and accidentally made two completely different movies. I wouldn't have quite as big a problem with this flick if it maintained the same level of quirk it inherited in the last third, throughout. But Tusk begins as sick horror fantasy and rapidly tumbles into a world of awkward, poorly delegated black comedy.

I'll come out and say the concept is lackluster at best to begin with. But usually we aren't asked by a filmmaker to sit down and actually watch such a piss-poor concept once the script is completed (if the script is completed) because most filmmakers would've thrown it in the trash long before an audience could ever get their hands on it. Look, I was never a fan of the idea that The Human Centipede put into our collective heads. And watching Tusk, I have to wonder why Kevin Smith, a guy who I actually like and who's films I frequently enjoy, would feel it made logical sense to make a poor ripoff of that concept...

Tusk is a bad ripoff with a weird attempt at a surprise in the second half, just as the budget seems to drop out. The walrus suit makeup is a bad joke at best. And while I think there are some solid acting performances and actually a few really well designed shots (particularly early on), I never once wanted to laugh or felt comfortable even being in the theatre for this, because at the end of the day Tusk is just garbage. Some people may disagree with me on this final statement, but Kevin Smith can do a lot better than this.

Transcendence Fails To Make A Real Statement... Or Any Kind Of Sense

It's always awkward to walk out of a movie theatre and realize the last two hours were only put in your way to help you waste time. Usually I don't have that kind of sensation (or lack there of). Usually I can understand, at least from a concept basis, why the filmmaker thought their movie would be worth our time. Any kind of movie can affect our lives. Unfortunately, Transcendence neither seems to care or want to.

I really am not one for spoilers, but the only way I feel I can accurately assess this movie is by walking through the awkwardness that was the final moments... if you really intend to go see this movie and think there is any chance you might enjoy it, stop reading now.

At first glance, the concept could be really fun. The singularity is a huge conversation piece these days, so why not try to imagine such an event? But the biggest question I glean from "singularity" is... yes it is consciousness... but is it the same consciousness? The biggest issue with this film is, it doesn't actively make a decision one way or the other on the matter. The military is attacking Johnny Depp's compound with everything they've got (which is apparently a bunch of small cannons that don't seem to do a whole lot of damage)... oh, and by the way, they've recently joined forces with the terrorist sect that started this whole mess because... I don't know... people are evil or something. But Johnny Depp's symbiotic (whatever) zombie people don't fight back. They just walk towards the other humans and stand there. So the military keeps using force for pretty much no reason. As Rebecca Hall's character is dying in the newly formed arms of reanimated Johnny Depp (yeah, this is what happens), she decides that it is actually him after all. But there is no legitimate proof one way or the other. She decides this because she is half-assedly being uploaded into his system so he can intentionally download a virus (this is your big climax??) and sees that he was doing everything for her. So yes, he cares about his creator, he loves the woman he loved when he was alive, but there's no legitimacy or attempt at such to the claim that it is actually the same guy who died in the first thirty or so minutes of the movie.

Also I'm pretty sure I saw most of this ending in Independence Day back in 1996... and the consensus always seemed to be that nothing about that made any sense.

Then Paul Bettany rambles into a very confusing and poorly written monologue about the garden the two of them made together... and would (I guess) live in forever (??). A drop of water falls... cleans up the mucky water... and the movie just... ends. It's one of those endings that leaves you slack jawed because it literally gives you nothing... not even something to consider as you walk out in silence and drive home... in silence. Because honestly there's nothing to pull from this movie for future conversations except the old, "Remember that movie Transcendence?" To which I would reply, "No."

I'm all for first time directors getting a shot at making something cool. But Wally Pfister (who clearly knows how to compose a great shot) didn't pick a particularly quality film to start a new career with. Then again, I don't blame him much. Sometimes the only excuse needed to make a first movie is just to make a first movie. Bringing it all together takes a lot of practice. Though I will say, from an acting perspective, I think he missed the boat. Johnny Depp was frequently difficult to understand... and while I do like the cast I found them to be a little too beautiful for a team of the world's smartest scientists. That and, everyone just seemed to be smiling all the time... even after all of their friends had just been poisoned, shot, or blown up in a terrorist attack. I don't know if Morgan Freeman would really be acting so smug in a situation like that... just saying.

Transcendence is a big concept as told by people who just aren't as smart as it. Almost, quite awkwardly, like how the FBI/military/terrorist sect is not as smart as Johnny Depp's super computer. It's funny how accidentally meta this whole thing is.

The Lone Ranger: Not As Bad As I Expected But Still Not Good

The Lone Ranger fell into a weird situation this past year.

It suffered from an exhausted audience not wanting to see Johnny Depp bring up another franchise, much less one where for some reason he would be playing a Native American. The whole time it managed to breed this sense of "I've seen this before in the last Pirates of the Caribbean," and so forth. But if I'm being truly honest about the product that made it to screen, I'd have to say it wasn't nearly as bad as water cooler chatter made it out to be. It wasn't exactly good either... Simply put, The Lone Ranger was a mediocre attempt at a franchise run by a company that thought it could get away with literally anything after successes with a truly awful Alice in Wonderland concept and an ever diminishing in quality Pirates franchise. Essentially it was doomed from the start despite any steps anybody made to right the ship.

Recognize, of course, that this was in no way shape or form actually a "Lone Ranger" movie. The insane scope of the film felt at all times unnecessary. It ran too long, the action was bizarre and yet we'd seen it before, there were a few solid jokes, but they were surrounded by so many bad ones that it became hard at a point to tell the difference. Realistically, Disney could have attempted a much simpler film and bought themselves more artistic credit with this property.

That being said, Armie Hammer was actually quite good in the titular role.

So why am I writing about this film now half a year after its release? Well it's up for an Oscar... for Makeup and Hairstyling. And it may just deserve the gold for this individual category. Isn't it funny how one group in a bad film can still shine through? When we got the scenes with elder Depp, I was impressed by the aging techniques used.

And when he was his usual age, the war paint he kept on all movie long seemed to change in ways that made perfect sense given the other insanity that was going on on screen.

In short, this mediocre failure of a film may still come home with some gold come March 2nd.