Pretty Sure I Was Just Raped By The Counselor

When I walked in to see The Counselor, I knew what all the reviews were saying. I thought I was prepared... that maybe there was something they were all missing. I thought, "There's too much talent involved for this to be a bad movie."

I know now I was just being naive. And in my naiveté I was about to subject myself to possibly the worst film I have ever seen.

However, this comes with an asterisk. Truly, The Counselor couldn't possibly be the worst movie ever made. There are far shittier ultra-low budget, never released shit-fests out there... Monos, The Hands of Fate comes to mind. But movies like that never stood a chance. The Counselor had... well... practically everything going for it:

Ridley Scott was directing. And he is a good director. No use knocking him over a few duds like Robin Hood.

The film sported an all star cast most producers would be drooling over. Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, and...

Ahhhh!!

Cameron Diaz?

That was the first sign the dream was crumbling. Then...

Weird how they both have that same eerie smile...

Cormac McCarthy, for the first time, was writing the screenplay. Okay? That could be interesting. Perhaps he'd be able to translate the nuances of his characters, his story... perhaps he would be the best option to show us what his world would be like in film.

Nope. No dice. Sorry to disappoint you.

For all of the positives this film seemed to be sporting, at the end of the day none of those great actors could outperform this god awful script. Sure a few of them really tried. They practically succeeded. But then Cameron Diaz would come on screen and everyone, for some reason, just let her take over. I have to say, Cameron Diaz should never have been allowed to play this part. Now in her defense, I don't think anyone could have actually made it work, but I tend to doubt literally any other actor would have played it quite as poorly as she did.

Spoilers if you care... but do you really? This is a warning, so you probably want to read this.
Once Cameron Diaz takes over the movie... well more at the very end at which point it already had become hers... she begins to monologue. And her ability to do this is so incredibly lacking I immediately burst out in laughter. I'm talking one of the worst sequences I have ever seen put to film. I'm talking the end of all that is good and pure and meaningful in this world bad. This is the last scene before the credits.
End Spoilers.

I hate this movie. I love Michael Fassbender, but somehow as the title character Cormac McCarthy managed to write a script that gave him nothing, I mean NOTHING, to do.

Not only did The Counselor tease me with a potential starring role for one of my all time favorite actors (Fassbender),

it then sucker punched me and left me instead with a starring role for one of my all time least favorite actresses (Diaz).

And I used the term "Actress" because I honestly don't believe she deserves the moniker "Actor".

Thanks for ruining my night Cormac McCarthy. I won't soon forget this.

Jackass' Bad Grandpa

Yeah, I went to see Bad Grandpa.

And I had a great time. Granted, I saw it in a 21+ screening where I got to drink throughout the movie.

I still think it's hilarious that Spike Jonze is so close to this one sketch from Jackass lore. Even playing a variation of the character in one of the earlier flicks. But his involvement in this feature project brings a surprising level of clout and quality to a potential mess.

So what's the story with this? Well, for starters there IS actually a story. It weaves in and out of prank sketches that, while at first felt slightly awkward, the more the booze kicked in the easier it all became to compress and blatantly laugh at until, at the very end, the entire audience seemed to be laughing together... which is always fun.

Knoxville was good in that he stayed in character even when he probably shouldn't have. But the real prize here was the kid, Jackson Nicoll.

He was just always on point and totally into everything the filmmakers wanted him to do. It's great to watch someone new and without reservations play so well off of adults who have been doing it for years.

Anyway, I know it's silly. But Jackass doesn't really disappoint. You know what you're getting every time and the fact that there's always something new to it makes it all feel worthwhile. I honestly wonder what the world would be like without it.

All (Of The Dialogue) Is Lost...

...And thank god for that.

Robert Redford's performance in All Is Lost was more believable than I am used to from him. But I think that mostly came out of the script not allowing him to say pretty much anything throughout the hour and forty minute run time. That's not a bad thing. I think silence in film is vastly underrated.

A good actor can relay more information with a look than he can with a monologue. We as humans instinctively understand when the water is coming in and his eyes go to the crack in the wall and we know he is already FUUUUCKed. And as amazing as some of that was... well ultimately the myriad issues of the film took over.

I guess now's as good a time as any to admit that I'm not a big Redford fan. Generally speaking, I find his performances lacking and usually in his films it feels to me like he is being propped up by the other actors around him (see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; see All The President's Men). So sitting through an hour and forty minutes, just staring at the man... you can imagine I wasn't the happiest of campers.

Now I loved Margin Call and for J.C. Chandor to have made that on his first attempt is nothing short of amazing. But here he somehow managed to lose me in his sophomore endeavor. At every turn, I felt as though Our Man (that's the character's name btw) made another dumb choice until, at a point, I felt like he lived his life to the rules of a bad horror movie always running up the stairs rather than out the front door. That's the script. You know?

Okay, sophomore efforts are hard. I'll still give J.C. another chance. But All Is Lost is not my kind of movie. And even though I will not be surprised when Robert Redford is nominated for Best Actor, I will vehemently disagree.

Why All The Fifth Estate Hate??

I finally saw The Fifth Estate.

And while walking in, I was confused. I had seen the trailer and loved it

but almost all of the critics seemed to be bashing it to pieces. So I sat in my seat alone. Didn't even invite friends because no one seemed interested. As the lights went down I instinctively knew which way I'd side.

The Fifth Estate is not a bad movie. Not by a long shot.

In fact, it has one of the most consistently good casts I've seen this year. From the quite excellent leads, Daniel Brühl and Benedict Cumberbatch, to the surprising (I didn't know they were in this movie) co-stars, Laura Linney and Stanley Tucci (???), to the incredibly sexy Alicia Vikander... I honestly can't recall a single bad performance.

Then there's the script. I don't believe there is nearly as much problem with the script as many of those oh so subtle reviewers seem to claim. At one point I recall one critic blasting it as being incompetently un-cinematic. And while there is an element of that (namely the computer sequences) and the script does a poor job tiptoeing around that (a la a metaphorically never ending office with only two employees) the majority of Assange and Berg's relationship seemed quite real to me.

Now I don't know the facts. I wasn't there. But neither was the rest of the media. So when Assange himself gets up and claims the movie to be utterly untrue, I have to wonder... Because the picture this film paints is one wherein both characters see the world the way they want to see it. And there's a succinct believability for me in that. I don't think it "demonizes Assange", nor do I think it claims that Berg is absolutely right. I think The Fifth Estate did a surprisingly good job of staying unbiased. And perhaps that's where the real hate comes from.

I tend to dislike films without "bias"... but when I say that I mean a film without a clear perspective. I think The Fifth Estate still had that and I'll disagree with anyone who claims it was lopsided until they can prove it to me.

One Quick Almost Spoiler
Anyway, there's a scene that I still cannot get out of my head. When Assange goes to Berg's parents' house for dinner, there is a moment that was so believable to me. And in that moment I sensed a better representation of a character's hidden perspective than I think I've ever seen on film. If you've read this blip and know what I am referring to I really want to talk to someone about it!!
End Almost Spoiler

The Fifth Estate... some say it's too smart... some say it's too stupid... and I'm just left here feeling like Goldilocks.

Another Carrie Remake...

...Another failed attempt.

Don't get me wrong. There are elements of this film that do work, though they may be few. But I have to ask, what does it say about our culture that we decided another Carrie was a worthwhile investment? At what point do known properties stop being marketable... remarketable? Disney's business model has worked for many years, by that I'm referring to the Disney Vault. But that seems to be more the exception to the rule. And even then those are not remakes, but rather the same original films rereleased.

What stirs me so wrong about this rethinking of Carrie is the incredible lack of character development. This seems to be a theme for me lately. And while it was understandable with Captain Phillips, with a property like Carrie it is simply unforgivable. So much so that the film lost all sense of depth and excitement. What worked so well in the original was a knowledge of who those other characters were that picked on Carrie. When you just give them faces and say they were involved it feels like rambling and not so much like actual story telling. Even stranger, the screenwriter of the original was involved here... but perhaps it's telling that he only has eight writing credits over the last 40 years.

And maybe it's just my love for the original talking here, but lifting it into the present day did nothing for me. Honestly it took away another piece of what it is that makes Carrie such a quality piece of cinema. I would have much preferred a period piece. Go back to the seventies and since you're already trying to recapture bottled lightning... go all the way. You know?

Chloë Grace Moretz has done nothing but solid work since breaking on the scene back in 2004 (she was 7 at the time). And Julianne Moore is just an excellent mainstay performer always bringing something interesting to her films. But somehow neither one of them could seem to save this heaping mess of a movie.

12 Years A Slave

While anticipating a great movie, sometimes it can be difficult to separate one's expectations from the final product. Often times this leads to a drop in the viewer's appreciation and allows for a solid movie to subjectively appear poor in quality. So when I say I legitimately thought 12 Years a Slave would be THE BEST film of the year, it means a great deal to come around after seeing it and still say that it will be ONE OF the best of 2013. Why the slight drop off? Reality.

In truth it probably wouldn't have mattered if I had anticipated this film or walked into a theatre with no expectations. It is a great movie. But with a few nit-picky flaws that hold it back. Mostly at the beginning and within minor acting performances... oh and the score could have been much stronger. But the cinematography, directorial focus, and well... the lead performances easily masked those issues.

By the end the audience had developed a keen understanding of Chiwetel Ejiofor's Solomon Northup. We only wanted him to succeed because we recognized the injustice of his situation and the pains he has taken to keep his sanity under horrendous stress. He fought back in situations where most would turn their heads and consistently confirmed in our minds the utter hopeless nature of the world he lived in. I think Chiwetel's been en route to an Oscar for the last ten years... and perhaps this is the performance that breaks him through.

Michael Fassbender delivers like no other actor I've seen. Every film I see him in... not matter how I feel about the final product... always has a bright spot as long as he is on the screen. He just doesn't let up. Fassbender is the definition of consistency and I would love to see him represented in the best supporting actor category.

This was the nature of my anticipation. Two of my three favorite living actors in one film (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael Fassbender... the third being Colin Firth) playing off of one another. I relished the opportunity to see them butt heads. And the payoff was absolutely there. With this caliber of lead performance, Steve McQueen almost didn't need anything else at all. Though he still managed to lure Benedict Cumberbatch (who has been on quite a roll lately), Paul Giamatti, Adepero Oduye, Paul Dano, Sarah Paulson, and Brad Pitt. All while also stirring a brilliant performance from newcomer Lupita Nyong'o who helped to bring added life to the second half of the film.

Steve McQueen has, with only three films under his belt, managed to gain my trust, at least for the next decade. He is a smart filmmaker and a good filmmaker... and the two rarely go hand in hand.

I know it's a touchy subject, but 12 Years a Slave does deliver. Please go see this film.

On Captain Phillips

There was a definite chill in the room before the lights went down and my screening of Captain Phillips began.

It was a feeling of uncertainty. No one quite knew what to expect. Granted there was already a book out written by the man himself, and one could easily guess the outcome based on the news reports back when the actual incident took place. But the bigger question wasn't related to "How is this going to end?" It was more a question of "Will they capture the intensity of the moment?" And in some ways they did.

What was sad to me about the film, what kept it from living up to expectations, may have indeed been a strength to the overall picture. Its honesty. So here is my harshest criticism... Some stories do not warrant dramatizations.

While on the surface a Pirate Hijacking sounds like an intense and exciting action thriller, Captain Phillips left much to be desired. The actual events... the way in which the pirates conceded at every step... the way in which the crew just sort of did nothing beyond their basic training and the only one who really seemed to step up when the going got tough was Phillips himself... left me waiting for something interesting to happen.

Now this is not intended to be a negative review. Much was good about the film. Tom Hanks did a fine job. Barkhad Abdi was convincing as hell. From a technical standpoint it was very solidly done. But the true story left too much on the table for my taste.

I live by the philosophy that motion pictures should be something that we cannot see in our everyday lives. Because film is an escape. In that capacity, for me, Captain Phillips failed. Now obviously, the film was not created to please me. And those events did happen. And even from my own philosophical standpoint, a pirate hijacking is something most people would never see in their regular lives. But this felt mostly like a film with one character (his name's in the title) and a whole bunch of wood fillers for actual people. When the screenplay comes from the book written by the man who didn't know anybody else involved all that well (new crew, new ship, new pirate invaders) it's hard to figure out what everyone else is thinking.

So what I guess I'm saying is, this film was not made for me. It may be made for you. And it'll definitely show up for a few award nods. So you may as well give it a chance. In this one situation I am just not a great source for approval.